The Dreamer

"You don't understand anything"

I tried listening to radio 4, some political debate. And I couldn't bear it. It was like being plugged in to this oppressive fear filled structure which hurt my head.

All these people arguing so cleverly about the state of The World. I can see why F is the way he is.

Oh but the way he slated me when we were talking about god. What can I say? I don't even know what I was trying  to prove. But I remember the arrogance, the self-assured contemptuousness oozing out of him like some black jelly, and I had to stop.

How could I even begin to explain?

Yeah, once upon a time I  had this weird dream where I went to Wonderland with Alice, and The World became this collective Dreamscape where I was somehow not only an actor but the creator, and I looked down and saw that everything had been leading up to this moment, and everything I believed was true, because I was the Dreamer.

And now I don't watch the news, or television, because I don't want to plug myself in to the Collective Insanity,  but I don't know where to go, how to rediscover that purity, or how to forget it.

Fear. That's what I got when I was plugged in. Fear, anxiety, frustration. It seeped out of the radio and into my body, and I had to turn it off.

And now I have classical music playing and I want to follow it somewhere else, to a realm hinted at by the stars and the silent lake and the deer sitting like statues in the garden, and the autumn colours and the moonlight. Like walking in to a painting and floating up to the sky.

There is so much beyond the surface. And sometimes I taste it and I connect to something much higher than me. And then it fades, and I'm back here in the show. In the game - suppress, suppress. So hard to be awake when everyone else is asleep.

Play your role to the best of your ability.

And when you try to convey it to someone else they can't grasp it - how could they? how could anyone?

No. Turn off the radio, turn off the news, and live like a hermit with the deer and the stars beside the water. Seek comfort in remembrance, drift.

Drift away on this beautiful music and leave The World to collapse in upon itself. Disappearing like a dream, eternal consciousness floating out through space.

Autumn Colours

Study full of sun, and folk music, and the water blue and rippled 

The image floats like a painting or a dream

I can't stop staring

I wish I was out on a boat

The autumn colours are so much more vibrant here. I had to close my window because the leaves were drifting in.


I'm so happy that I can sit here, at this vantage point, in this sun trap, looking out.

I guess if I was outside I would be cold. But in here, right now, I am warm.


I've done my marking. And I have a beer beside me and a night of Spanish food and socialising ahead of me.

Running the gauntlet, into the city. I am ready. I am ready, but I am so glad.

 Glad that I don't have to do it every day. Glad that I live here, in this beautiful space, beside the water.


My early morning walks home from nights in the city have taken on an almost mythical intensity.

That path, completely dark, empty, filled with stars.


I remember the last time

Two deer, the side of the road. Just looking right at me, the moonlight bouncing of our backs.

I had to take a deep breath, and stop. A moment or two. Standing still.

The bridge between me and them broken, like in that Robert Frost poem.

Alive, in a world of stars, and moonlight, and silver deer on dark country lanes.


But I must stop

My head hurts.  The sun is low in the sky and burning into my eyes through the old windows.

The music is an entity, floating on the insence swirling through my brain

And I am here, and the room is filled with sunlight.