The Vegan Gathering

The walls are covered with the sewn-together corpses of rotting Meat-eaters. The Vegans lure them in with steaks and then bring out The Cows.

The Cows are trained to hate Meat-eaters. The Vegans keep them chained up to walls all day in front of enormous television screens. The screens show demented and dishevelled Meat-eaters, rolling around in the blood of dead animals until their skin is caked. These heinous orgies are endless.

Sometimes the Vegans even show The Cows movie footage of their mothers being systematically raped and murdered - old cows, young cows, the Meat-eaters don’t care. They fuck them violently and then turn them into mouth-watering hamburgers.

Of course the Meat-eaters in these videos are merely Vegans in disguise. But The Cows don’t know any better. They are driven mad by these images. Throw into the mix branding irons and starvation and you have a league of very pissed-off cows.

The Vegans then release them on to unsuspecting Meat-eaters. Their eyes glow red and steam shoots out of their flared-up nostrils. They trample the Meat-eaters to death and then play football with their corpses. The loud Moo-ing of the cows mixes with the screams of the Meat-eaters, and reverbates throughout the cavern.

The leader of the Vegans, aka Clap-trap, is sexually stimulated by the spectacle. She licks her lips and salivates while shoving vegetables into her bulbous vagina. She particularly likes the feel of aubergines and asparagus, but not carrots, as they are too phallic.

Clap-trap has summoned all of the Vegans of the land to her headquarters. They gather by candlelight on the darkest night of the year. Blood drips gently down from the Meat-eater tapestries hanging on the wall. They lap it up greedily and wait expectantly for the arrival of their leader.

A hushed silence falls as Clap-trap appears on the stage...but wait! It is only Clap-trap B, or ‘B’ as her close acquaintances refer to her.

“Fellow superior beings” begins B, “I am very honoured to introduce to you our Divine Leader, aka Clap-trap”. The Vegans start stamping their feet wildly and gnashing their death. They are wet with anticipation and wild with excitement.

Blue lights come on, revealing a pathway to the stage. The pathway is made up of male Meat-eaters who have been sown together by their genitalia. Their faces are arranged to face upwards where steaks hang tauntingly. The smell drives them wild but they can’t reach it. Most of them are nearly dead with starvation and madness.

A spotlight shows Clap-trap. She walks over the sewn-together Meat-eaters.

She stands at the podium. Vegans throughout the building start having orgasms. Some faint. It’s all too much.

“Fellow Superior Beings” , begins Clap-trap. “I am here to speak to you about the Meat-eaters. (The Vegans hiss and spit). “We already know that we are far superior to these ape-like beings (cheers, whistles) who cannot be spiritual, or show compassion, or love. We all know that the world would be a far better place without them (cheers, yells of joy), and thanks to me, Your Divine Superior Majesty, the time has eventually come. (the audience go wild and start rubbing their wet vaginas together)

Before I explain more I will invite our three Vegan Representatives, Natalie Portman, Pink and Alanis Morrisette on to the stage.” (The Vegans go wild and start bringing out vegetables and shoving them into their Vegan orifices).

(Enter Natalie Portman)

“Fellow superior beings – Do you know that Meat-eaters have had the cheek, the audacity, to actually say that they, yes THEY like my new film, Black Swan??” (The audience start booing and jumping up and down).

(Enter Alanis Morrisette)

“Fellow superior beings- do you know that if it wasn’t for Meat-eaters buying my one decent album, Jagged Little Pill, I would have become a has-been even sooner?” (The audience hiss like snakes)

(Enter Pink)

“Fellow superior beings – I am a BULL DYKE. I like dykes, and I like bulls, but do you know what I hate? Men and Meat-eaters!” (The Vegans laugh dementedly and start screaming)

Clap-trap returns. “Thank you, Vegan celebrities. It is wonderful to see you cashing in on the vegan-bandwagon. Like you, we are tired of these sub-human Meat-eaters who we are obviously much better than. (wild cheers) We do not have chips on our shoulders, we just know that we are superior. We know that we would sooner fuck an animal than a person, and we know that Meat-eaters were created without souls. To demonstrate this, I am now going to spit roast a baby...