We Make It Up As We Go Along

Well we do don't we?

Old situations become new, new situations become old.

Last night I stood at the front of the house having a cigarette. It was the early hours of the morning and all was silent. I was the only one there, apart from a cat that had placed itself in the middle of the road and was just sitting there. Staring at me.

I was standing at the top of a hill overlooking the city. I was in a trance, gazing out over the bright lights. My granny in the early stages of her illness used to do the same thing. Just sit and stare. One day she said to me, half in a dreamscape, "It's like a fairy land". And last night I thought the same thing. Lights everywhere. Twinkling. I remembered him. I remembered the hours we spent in the middle of the night walking around our part of the city. Planning our escape. The times we would just sit in the field overlooking the city below for hours just talking, or not talking, it didn't seem to matter. The time we spent just being together. One night I wasn't able to sleep. It was about 2am and I was sitting at the computer chatting to him. It was a cold Winter's night. All of a sudden, out of the corner of my eye I saw white droplets falling down across my window. We decided to go for a walk. The roads were empty, the snow fell undisturbed. We got lost together, lost together in the snow.

But now he was gone. Sex came between us. He cheated on his girlfriend with me and our friendship was never the same after. He spent the time after convincing me endlessly how 'straight' he was. The event was never directly referred to again. The final nail on the coffin came last Christmas. He was in a miserable mood, he wasn't sleeping. But it was Christmas Eve so at midnight he helped me open his presents. We both got drunk. I tried it on again and he ran out of the house. We haven't spoke since. Now he's in America somewhere and here am I, back in my parents house. And what has changed? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Except now it is just me.

The cat stared at me a little longer. I stared right back at it for a while, and then it disappeared. I was left alone.

I finished the cigarette, flicked it into the nearby bush and went in. I poured myself another G & T and I sat down on the sofa and stared.


We make it up as we go along.