Samhain

Written Samhain 2010

Was it her or was it me?
It overwhelmed me, like an empty vessel filled with poison, seeping into my pores. I couldn't bear it.
To be walking around on this miserable afternoon with the people, and the buses, and the noise. This dreadful silence of shadow.
Where did it go? Why this empty shell? What else to do but continue walking and being?

A vulture circles overhead. Round and round it circles, focusing on its prey. A wooden hut in the middle of the desert. The sun blasts down from on high and the sky is terminally blue. A faceless shape huddles agaisnt the bar, hiding behind a cowboy hat. I try to communicate with it but SLAM! the dog has been hit by the car. Holding my ice-cream I mourn alone on the grass, listening to Enya.

A dead child bobs up and down on the pool. Figures dressed in black gaze on, impassively.
A flute plays in a forest. Skipping and dancing the worm eats the lungs out of the doughnut. The door opens as if from nowhere. Now what to do?

A demented woman screams from behind the bars. The other patients are priests sitting in confessional boxes. A sea of hooded faces look out from the stands, watching the spectacle. A gong stikes and a disembodied voice screams "Testimonial!"
The woman screams and stutters and sputters as a clock ticks from an empty toy shop.
"Sorry but you are too late. A banging noise hits against the desk.

The sound of the sea swishes against the stand. The beach is pure and empty. The moon shines down from on high and the stars bounce and sparkle like bubbles in champagne.
"No longer a person at last!" screams the madwoman. "This beach is all. There is no more words banging against walls and sirens, and drunkards, and moments filled with emptiness and disatisfaction.
"But why?" crys the eagle? Why?"
The eagle is a figment of the woman's imagination and only exists in an empty corridor in a darkened mansion.

What is this bullshit? Me thinketh thou art trying to make some sense of nothingness. Me thinketh thou shoudst face fact that thou are depressed little boy with nothing to say.
Can we switch this off? Yes I think it is impossible to conjecture the madness of the situation but why? said owl. You are far too old. I used to go to the cabaret on a Monday night, but now I sit on my own and listen to Enya.
But aloneness is the way to be. Aloneness is the prize!
"But I'm so bored of it", said the monkey. I keep asking to enjoy this, but all you give me is depression and loneliness.

The lighthouse was flickering through the darkness like a knife. A ship of ghosts was shipwrecked on the jagged rocks. "I remember how I loved these ghosts. But now they are dead and nothing remains". Nothing remains but a cat looking out of the window on a darkened street.

The hooded lady bends over her altar and lights a candle for Samhain. The veil is narrowest, and she wants to reconnect with the energy she has lost.
A cat's eyes flicker through the fire.
A shadow creeps across the wall in a dreamscape while the moon is pregnant with desire. Figures in white skip under the bare trees in the abandoned courtyard. How I long to be with them!
The forest surrounds me like a blanket. I am untouchable. My fear is swallowed up by the moon and the stars which remind me.

Sitting outside, looking up at the sky, I see a star shooting past. I make a wish.

She has her back turned to me and she is deep in meditation but I follow her through the darkness. She wears a blue cape and her eyes sparkle like electricity.
I tap her shoulder and they open.
The shadow disperses and a barn owl glides across the deserted country road.
At Samhain, redirect yourself to The Goddess. Through the eyes of a cat the mystery is reborn.

Remember the insomnia and the fox? The fox that stopped on your path and looked into your eyes? Follow the barn owl. Follow the barn owl across the field, under the stars where words are no longer necessary.

But how can I retrace my steps? How can I turn an angel turn into a monkey?

I was sitting in the cafe with Jim drinking some steam and inhaling some cake when she came in.
Her hair was frazzled and she looked a bit confused. She came over to the table, and asked if I wanted to have her watch. It made me sad.
"What about your memories?" I asked. "How can you just give them away like that?"
She didn't answer.
Dedicating one's life to an owl one went into the forcfield.

It's gone.

Fireworks explode and Celtic music drifts through the castle. The cat sits quietly, gazing out the window.